Don't just stand there.
See that? Tried to kill me.
Those new uniforms are very sharp.
Same since '76, mrs. greer.
Three, two, one.
Ohhh! Stoney bomb!
Whoa, I can't feel my toes.
Awesome.
Damn, it's bill.
Okay. Alright, just shut up and be cool, okay.
I know how to handle this.
That's what your mom said.
Amos wall. Good to see you again.
Hey, officer morgan.
Everything okay?
You were driving a little erratic back there.
Uh, no, just trying to stay on the defensive.
Something tells me that's not all you're on.
What?
Step out of the vehicle, please.
Those are not mine.
Oh my god.
Wow.
Tmi
hello my puppies and welcome to tmi.
I'm your host, colin wade
and tonight's top story...
Gold, nikki gold.
With rumors of a sex tape
featuring her and on-again, off-again flame,
trent callender burning up the internet
and the premier of her new film, ravagers ii...
Barely a week away, the question is...
Will nikki's off-screen exploits
threaten the box office opening?
It's fun, it's scary, it's sexy, it's...
Mm-mm. No flies on her.
Step away from the bear.
Empty your pockets...
Sorry officer. We were just messing around.
You have a lot to learn about the responsibilities
associated with operating a motor vehicle.
I'm giving you tonight to think about that.
Are you ser-
Yes, sir.
Bill, you enjoy this stuff way too much.
What do you want me to do with this?
Is it empty?
Yeah.
Shucks. Um, evidence department, I guess.
Well, if it isn't harry houdini.
I heard about the vanishing act you pulled last night.
That girl was perfectly nice.
And absolutely thrilled
about the idea of going out with a cop.
A little too thrilled.
You could have been barry bonds in a t-ball game
if you just stepped up to the plate.
Barry bonds did hgh, may.
Dale, what did we do to raise such a tight-ass?
Enough already.
Come here, and let me kiss the petals
of my sweet, sweet rose.
If you're nice, I might let you lick the dew right off of 'em.
I don't know what the doc's got you two on,
but he needs to halve the dosage.
Maybe you need a double dose.
Look at this, look at this. Look at this mustache.
You trimmed it a little bit shaggy, there.
Cruiser one do you copy?
Ten-four, mama, you got something?
Just giving you a whistle, seeing where you are.
I'm down at the old fishing hole.
Any bites?
I haven't seen a car in 34 minutes.
I fried some chicken. And I put some on your desk.
Roger that. Thanks may.
Sorry if I came off a little harsh earlier.
Gotten worse.
From you, no less.
Miss, can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Miss?
- Hello, miss? - What!
Jesus!
No comment.
Hi officer.
Where you heading tonight, miss?
Canada.
Is that, uh, is that a little vodka you got there?
- I like this hat. - Don't!
Cops in new york need to wear this hat.
Uh, miss, I'm going to need to see license, registration...
Miss? Miss?
You wake up.
Hello?
Show me your penis.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
Come on, it's time to be a grown up.
Stop it!
Okay. 23 to dispatch.
Officer morgan, how much longer you gonna keep me in here?
You gotta wake up.
You know you're in the chair tonight.
In the chair. Go on, cuff yourself. You know the routine.
Oh man.
Now miss please, do not, do not... no.
Take it, I need you, get down. Um.
Oh, get down. You cuffed?
Officer morgan, I gotta tell you something. I gotta tell you.
What, what?
- Aw, let's go. On the bed. - Okay.
No, no, no, no. No. No. No, put your legs, no. No. That's...
It's bedtime for bonzo.
That's right. Bed time for bonzo.
So amo, we'll talk in the morning.
Amo, amo!
Don't give this woman any trouble.
No, I won't.
Oh my god.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, okay. Ow, ow, ow, okay.
What the hades?
Sick little bastard was trying to feel me up in my sleep.
No, I wasn't. Ow! Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
I touched her hair. I'm sorry alright. Will you let go?
You're going to break it.
Miss, unhand him now.
Ow, ow ow! Ahhh ah.
You heard me, miss hurwitz!
What'd you call me?
Now, miss hurwitz!
Ow, oh. Ow.
You know I'm not surprised a backward little piss-water like this
would let a man get away with this kind of shit.
This is no backwards piss-water, miss.
This is washington, new hampshire.
Named after general george washington in 1776.
There's another washington in north carolina.
And they might say that they were the first town that was incorporated,
and that would be a lie.
Is that chicken in your hand?
Well, as I'm sure you're aware,
your license is about to expire.
Oh god! Do you have any idea
how long it takes to get through the dmv
well, that's what you get for surrounding yourself
with all that flash and speed. But now that you're up,
I should get some fingerprints.
Why? I didn't do anything wrong.
What do you call drunk driving?
Not what I was doing.
Suit yourself.
I, I want my phone call. I want to talk to my lawyer.
You'll get it when you cooperate.
Wait! Hey! Hey!
This is cruel and unusual punishment. I will sue your ass!
I just...
What?
I just want you to know
I think you're, I think you're god's most perfect creation.
Ohh, where am I?
And for the record, you were my first.
Get away!
Morning, chief.
Morning.
Uh, morning.
See the game last night?
No, we win?
Ahh.
Hell yeah, we won.
I fell asleep in the third, but woke just in time to see
big pete kinney seal it with a slapper from the blue line.
- Ohhh! Crud! - Aw jesus. I'm on it
bill! Is that the chief?
Get him in here, i want to talk to him.
Is there something you want to tell me?
Got to be careful with this one, chief.
Excuse me.
A bit of a live-wire.
My favorite kind.
Excuse me, sir. Chief!
Hi.
Sir, there has been a huge misunderstanding. Okay?
Name's nicole hurwitz.
Found her passed out, drunk, down near perkins syrup farm.
She's even got a prior.
My car was off and out of the road when he found me.
Let me out of here now, or my lawyer will hit you with a false imprisonment charge
so hard, you'll be pissing out of your ass for a week.
Uh, bill, outside, please.
So the keys were out of the ignition and she was asleep.
She was passed out, wasted
with a record of similar offenses.
Kissing a cop on st. patty's day
aint exactly a similar offense.
Chief, she was using a vodka bottle as a pillow.
She pulled over. We can't ask for much more than that.
Bill, you did a good thing. She slept it off.
Did she look familiar to you?
Guilty always looks familiar.
Aw christ, bill, give it a rest.
Just pull that porcupine out of your butt
and let's move this thing along.
Well, miss, you're free to go.
Sanity reigns.
It was for your own good that officer morgan brought you in here last night.
You know that, right?
I'm just glad that a man as rational and intelligent
as you showed up to rescue me.
Just doing my job, miss.
Now I imagine you'll be needing a ride to your vehicle?
I do. Are you offering?
No, but officer morgan here is.
Great, more qt with barney fife.
Go on, bill.
You're better than this jail cell, famo-amo!
Now get out of here and don't come back unless you're visiting.
Alright. Thanks chief.
No, really, you have no idea how great this was for me.
Oh.
Huh. That's cute.
Thanks officer.
Get home safe now, miss hurwitz.
Thanks again, chief.
Dale! What was that?
Calm down, may.
She was just thanking me
for my professionalism.
Oh stop stroking your ego. Don't you know who that was?
Hochee-mochee!
It's about time you all figured it out.
Vamoose, amo!
Look, look, look!
I know...
She's got that gun.
Yeah, oh and uh yes.
You know, you can just stop it with that.
How do you do that without using cruise control?
It's amazing!
Oh, you're talented.
Do you think there's fleas in that jail?
'Cause my head is itchy.
Have a safe trip back to new york.
Yeah. Thanks.
You can go now.
You're free to go.
I'm not free. Not if I go back there.
Let me put this in words you might understand.
You don't' have to go home, but you can't stay here.
You're probably going to try to arrest me for this too,
but you're a real prick.
Mind the speed limits now.
Peas and crow!
You okay, bill!
It's officer morgan.
Well, officer morgan, I uh, seem to have noticed
you got in some car trouble. Anything a drunk lush like me can do
to help you out?
I need a lift into town.
Gosh, I don't know. I have got so much to do today.
You know, milk the horses, water the cows.
Ooph, besides can't you just call the chief?
I can't tell chief about this.
Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.
Good luck!
Hold on, wait, whoa, whoa, wait!
Whoa.
You can't leave me out here. I'm 20 miles from town.
Well that's what you get for surrounding yourself
with such peace and tranquility.
Hey, hey!
Ch-ch-ch-charlie. Hey, I need a tow.
No, no, now, not later. Now I need it.
Charlie, charlie, charlie? I need a tow. Prick!
I just want to know what I'm supposed to tell my daughter.
I mean she idolizes nikki gold.
I've seen your daughter.
You should both stick to radio.
Maybe nikki gold should too.
Hey she's made some decent stuff.
Did you see summer's dawn?
No, but I did see her do blow off a sidewalk.
Gene's right.
That girl is two steps away from a certified train wreck.
Well I hope she pulls herself out of
whatever funk she's in.
Don't worry, if this tape's half as good as advertised,
she'll have a whole new career waiting for her
in a different part of the entertainment industry.
Two hours, nine minutes and 13 seconds.
I think that's pretty admirable for 12 miles.
You thirsty?
Yum yum! Drink up!
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm sorry, I didn't touch it. I just, I couldn't resist.
What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, just soaking up the oxygen.
I ought to arrest you for being a pain in the butt.
Hey, arrest yourself.
Aw crud!
I wouldn't have said anything.
Yeah, I would have.
Hey, I've been trying to find a decent hotel in the area,
but there is no 3-g out here.
The nearest one's in greeley.
I think it's 40 miles west.
Oh, it's a little far to go for a shower.
What do you need a shower for?
Have you seen the mattress in that cell?
I guess you're going to greeley then?
Don't you have a shower?
What?
- I'll use that. - No
- yes. - No.
Come on.
You are not coming to my house.
Oh come on.
No!
I'll get to wash whatever man-stew
has soaked into that prison bed over the last hundred years.
And you get a ride back to town. The chief never the wiser.
Great, settled.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on! You can do it, come on.
I'm not happy about this.
It's a cool car.
Thanks.
Why you got standard?
Why are you a little bit gay?
Yeah?
No, I'm, I'm in the middle of a very important meeting.
Who?
Nikki?
Just so, what, what, what's she doing up there?
Oh, oh
we'll see. Some guy just called it in.
Do you have a towel?
Cabinet.
Ah,
bill morgan.
Bill!
Where the hell have you been?
Chief, hey, I, I just stopped home for one minute.
Where is that girl?
She is in the bathroom.
At your house?
Well I, I thought you were taking her to her car?
Tell him to be nice.
I was and then she wanted to get cleaned up.
So I, I brought her here.
Well played, my boy.
Have her sign something.
Well as soon as she's done, it's back out on patrol.
No, no, don't ever sign something because then she's gonna...
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay, sorry, I'm sorry.
Bill, I got things under control here.
Just try to be nice for once.
Make her some lunch, have some fun.
Chief, I want her out of here as soon as possible.
Well I you two to enjoy yourselves.
Consider that an order!
Ah crud!
Ah, she's gorgeous. Look at her.
I just hope bill aint trying to play scrabble with her.
You got any clothes I can wear?
I threw mine in the wash.
Yeah, I... heard it running
what do you got there?
Oh, nothing, I was just putting it away.
I'm not sure how it got out.
You got any game?
You mean am I good?
Yeah, I was the two-time town quarter finalist.
Hmm, you may not know me very well, officer bill morgan,
but playing scrabble is one thing I do truly well in my life.
Uh, let's get some clothes on you first.
Mmm mm mm.
Ooh.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that could work.
Thanks.
Yellow's my best color, you know.
Yeah, it's your hair.
Surprised you notice that sort of thing.
It's my job to notice things.
So I was thinking of making some food.
Probably good for you to eat something before you blow away.
Mac and cheese it is.
Nikki?
Nikki.
Food's ready.
Eat up.
I like my victim's fat before the slaughter.
You came.
I figured you'd run.
Like you always do.
Not this time.
I'm tired of running,
of not being able to remember who I am.
Then... Let me remind you.
You think I could get away with lines like that?
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to try.
Then let me remind you...
Where's the kiss part?
Mmmmuh.
They might know.
Could I help you?
I certainly hope so.
I'm a journalist. From new york.
I have it on good authority that a certain young woman
of interest may be here in your fair town.
And who might that be?
That's her right now.
Look!
If you're here for some kind of tip,
you're barking up the wrong tree.
It's not like I expect something for nothing.
You thinking of bribing me?
Well consider it a donation.
I consider it a crime. Now get!
Okay, give me something now, I'll keep the press out of your hair.
It's only a matter of time til the ravens descend.
Go back to new york and tell your friends
there's nothing to see here in washington.
There will be when I get through with it.
Not a lunch fan, huh?
I'm off carbs for a couple weeks.
These socks are amazing, by the way.
Yeah, may made 'em.
Is may your girlfriend?
No, aunt.
She's the chief's wife.
She's practically my mom, though.
Raised me since I was ten.
What happened to your parents?
It's none of your business.
Triple word score makes 45.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
"Zoetic"?
Zoetic. You know, animated.
Full of joie-de-vivre.
Poetic is a word. But this, I don't know what this is.
Oh come on, don't embarrass yourself.
Yeah, you probably cheat your way through everything.
That is really not nice.
What do I get if I'm right?
I don't know what you could possibly want.
There's no booze in the house.
How about a shooting lesson?
You can have whatever you want because I know that I am...
A sucker?
Zoetic.
- Now you see the target? - Yep
what you're going to do is, you're going to want
to extend your hands.
Keep the gun away from you,
but don't get stiff with it.
Okay, now, when you aim you want to use your whole body.
Not just your wrists or the barrel.
See the gun as an extension of yourself.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Alright.
Okay.
Close...
Easy. Breaths
here...
- I got it. - Okay.
Yaaa, there you go!
God, I love guns!
Well you said you never shot before?
I never said that.
I'm going to put that on my mantle.
I mean not that I have a mantle, but one of these days, dallas.
Your turn.
Beg your pardon.
Come on. Show me how it's done.
I'm afraid it's not much of a challenge for me.
Alright.
How about now?
Come on, we should go in, huh?
We gotta meet the tow truck anyway.
Oh come on, if you're so good, what's there to fear?
Just exhale and squeeze the trigger.
Are you nuts?
You can't try something with balls for once.
This has nothing to do with me having balls
and everything to do with you being totally batso-crazy.
I'm crazy?
I mean you're the one with your dead parents room
done up like a museum.
What you say?
Nothing. Uh, just that it goes both ways.
You went in their room?
I didn't know what it was.
I can't believe you uh, you went in their room.
That's what locks are for.
Oh!
I won't, it was, I wasn't going to shoot you, it wasn't loaded.
Ahhh...
- Morgan - bill
where's nikki?
She's still here.
Good. Good, uh, you gotta get her out of there.
There's uh, some folks in town looking for her.
Yeah, well tell them they can have her.
I'll meet them halfway.
No, no you can't let her out of your sight.
What do you mean? Who's looking for her?
Uh, who's looking for her?
Don't, don't, don't, don't tell...
Uh, uh, well uh, it turns out that uh, that nikki is ...
Covert operative for the cia.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we talking about the same nikki?
Nicole hurwitz?
Yep, yep, she's uh, she's been working undercover in south america
on something called uh, operation inferno.
What, the cia just called you up out of the blue about this?
Look, this aint a drill, son.
Nikki's in danger and I need you to protect her.
I"m just not sure you got all your facts straight here chief.
Damnit bill!
This is your chance to do some real police work.
Now can I trust you to take care of it, or not?
Yeah, of course you can chief.
You know you can count on me.
Good! You need to get her some place safe.
Good luck son!
Liz, hey.
Uh nikki, where the hell have you been?
Nowhere, out.
Well your little scheme worked. It's gone right through the frickin' roof.
What scheme?
The sex tape. It's up to 1.5 million.
What is happening? I thought you were burying this thing!
All of a sudden the estimates for opening weekend
are going through the friction' roof.
150 million good reasons why the studio wants your home video.
Nikki! Look, I'm sorry I scared you.
Shhh!
Yeah, okay, fine.
- Look... - What?
I know who you are.
Uh, you don't know anything about me.
That was the chief. Look, he, he told me about operation inferno.
Well, who's ever after you is in town. Now.
Who do you think is after me?
I know I'm not supposed to know about it,
but whatever government or group you crossed,
they have found you and they are closing in.
You cannot stay here.
I couldn't agree more.
Wait, please look.
Nikki, just, I, I can help you.
I can take you to a safe house.
I will protect you. Just please, accept my apology.
Time is ticking here.
Keeping me safe is very dangerous work.
Whfff...
It's okay.
I've been waiting for this my whole life.
We just got to make one quick stop first.
Here, have a little more coffee.
Psst, hey!
You donowitz?
Maybe.
Ssss, name's amos.
I believe you're uh, I believe your magazine
got a little call from me this morning.
- You're the guy? - Yeah.
I'll tell you where she is.
It's for a price.
Listen, if I had known the tip came from a kid
I'd have never dragged my ass all the way up here.
Alright, okay. How about that?
Is that nikki enough for you? Bam!
Where is she?
Just down the road. Maybe 20 minutes.
Ten grand, she's all yours.
Here you go pete.
Take it easy fanboy I got kids to feed.
Oh come on. Nikki gold, this year's it girl,
bumble-fucking some new boy toy.
You could make a hundred large without breaking a sweat.
Bumble-fucking?
I like that.
Well how do I know there's not already 40 shooters already up there?
I haven't told anybody except you.
I swear.
Why the hell not?
Because, I know your stuff.
I wanted a chance to study the best performing their craft.
That's understandable. So?
Fine, five gs and she's yours, but
you let me roll with you.
I don't babysit.
Consider it an internship.
Alright. Rule number one...
Don't speak unless spoken to...
Don't worry about the tab, I got that.
Lesson number two, I find free meals very endearing.
Alright. Let's go.
Alright.
Alright I'm out of here, terry.
No disrespect, but this job sucks.
See you guys.
I can't get this thing out of here with that.
I need a ramp truck.
Well then get a ramp truck.
It's after 5:00, I can't get it out here tonight!
Charlie, I don't have time for this.
If I don't have it, I don't have it!
Find another way.
Good luck!
You got a light?
Mm hmm.
Aren't you...Wait..
Yeah. But you can't tell him who I am. Okay?
Oh, I'm not telling him nothing.
He's already got his nose up every butt in town.
Is that why you won't pull him out of the ditch?
Mm hmm. Part of it.
Giving it back to the law aint exactly an every day opportunity.
What's the other part?
Mmm. Every girl in town's tried to knock his door down.
A good job and a nice ass goes a long way in a cold winter.
Even if he is a bit of a prick.
A bit?
Could you do it as a favor to me?
Ya.
Thank you.
Mm hmm.
Can't believe you got charlie tow the cruiser back to my house.
No sweat.
How'd you get her to 180 like that?
It's called being nice.
No seriously, was that some sort of like,
cia mind trick or something?
Unfortunately, your security clearance isn't high enough
for me to divulge that information.
I understand.
I told her it was a matter of national security.
It's so cool you can do that.
Yeah.
Ah.
Well, we're here.
And where is here, exactly?
This is the chief's old lake house.
No one will find us here.
All clear.
Sorry about that.
Here.
Ah, you know what? You keep it.
Okay.
This is a waste of time.
Knowing her, they're probably shacked up somewhere.
Is there a motel around?
No, not really.
Well then, then they've left town.
I can feel it.
Nah, he wouldn't leave town with her.
How do you know?
Believe me, he's had this like, complex
ever since his parents died.
He's like, bill's like one of those dogs
with the electric fence and the like cone.
And he's got like a carrot penis.
Only instead of a yard,
it's this whole town he can't escape.
Yeah, it must be tough for a cop.
That public knowledge?
Everybody pretty much knows
everybody else's business around here.
I guess that's why there aint no paparazzi.
Paparazzi. I loathe the term.
I'm a celebrity journalist.
I hold the mirror up to our culture,
reflecting it back more accurately
than any history book.
The trades ancestry goes back
to the apostles themselves.
Whoa! The apostles.
You gonna stay like that all night?
I'm fine.
You think maybe we should put the fire out?
I mean maybe they could smell the smoke or...
But you know, we could go outside.
And use the cabin as a decoy.
Uh, I'm going to choose not to worry about it.
Yeah, okay. I suppose, you know, you're used to this.
Ice in your veins and all.
One would think.
How many people have you killed?
- Bill! - Sorry.
I've done what I had to do.
I understand, yep.
You're probably good under pressure,
being cop's in your genes, right?
My father and I didn't have much in common.
Ever think about being chief?
I'm through with this line of questioning.
Touchy subject. I forgot.
Mmmm.
You think I'm simple, don't you?
What? No.
You think 'cause I'm some hick from small town
who hasn't had any real crime, I'm not a real cop.
I never said that.
My father died when I was nine
and after he passed I took responsibility for this town.
This town is my life.
How'd he die?
Drunk driver. Killed them both.
Ohhh.
You hear that?
What?
Stay here.
I think I'm probably done for tonight.
Good night nikki.
Bill?
Yeah?
Thank you.
Oh my god!
Bidding war for nikki gold sex tape?
Whatever happened to our old camcorder, may?
This is not funny.
Amo! You okay?
Chief...They... I came from bill's.
I wanted to uh, I wanted to apologize
for being such a, a wad these past few days.
But he, he wasn't there
there, there were just these, these photographers.
Like, like ravens on roadkill.
Like them.
There, there's some right across the street.
Ah, well now thanks for the heads up, son.
You go on home. Uh, I'll take care of everything.
Paparazzi in, in our town?
Now I gotta go tell bill.
So?
Oh yeah, yeah. He's got her stashed somewhere.
And if I know the chief, he's gonna lead us right to the henhouse.
The henhouse?
Yeah, I thought it was, I thought it would sound cool.
Lesson number three, don't think.
- Okay. - Never.
The lake was gorgeous this morning.
I mean the water is so clear.
Yeah, it's pretty, right?
It reminds me of the town that I grew up in.
Where's that?
It's a little town in western ontario.
My mom and I left when my parents got divorced.
Mmm. This is good, what is it?
It's hare.
- What? - Rabbit.
I got it in one of the traps I set for the hostels.
It's actually really good.
- Yeah? - Tastes like chicken.
Make you jump higher.
Mmm.
Wait, so you've never left town?
- Nope. - Never?
Well the academy, but I mean that was years ago.
What, that, that is crazy.
I mean you say I'm crazy, but you're crazy.
Cute crazy, but still...
Cute crazy?
Yeah.
Let's go swimming.
Do you have any idea how cold that water is?
Ahh ha ha.
Ah, oh my tits it's freezing in...
- Told you. - Well it's like electricity, you have to get in.
I can get through the day without hypothermia.
Thank you very much.
Oh come on. I am an expert on all things idiotic
and this is very low on the harmful scale.
Ah!
Oh! Yes! You're doing it! It's so warm.
Oh, oh!
Geronimo!
Oh, geez and crow! It's warmer than I thought.
Oh it's freezing.
Just relax.
Oh, oh! Are we even breathing?
Breathe slowly.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't follow him.
Just keep going down there.
Where the hell are we?
I can't believe I didn't think of this.
You know a way in this joint?
Yeah, there's only one way the chief won't find us.
How's that?
It's on that fucking canoe.
I hate canoes.
Yeah.
You made a move on me.
I would never do such a thing.
Getting me in the lake was all part of your master plan.
And if I find out this is another one of your voodoo mind tricks
I will not be happy.
Uh, because kissing me is so unpleasant?
Mamma bear you copy?
Ten-four papa.
You find him?
No sign, any news at base?
Not yet.
You coming back?
In a bit.
I think I just saw a rock turn over
and something slimy slither out.
You know how it is.
Everyone hates cops til they need 'em.
I've always liked a man in uniform.
Every time I do something good, people hate me for it.
Like what?
Like anything.
Giving a speeding ticket, breaking up a fight.
Doing a safety lecture.
Punk kids.
I mean I don't know what it's like in the cia,
but around here, you always walk away the villain.
Villains are sexy.
Dude, my arm, killing me.
Just stop! Get me closer!
Isn't this close enough?
My arms are gonna fall off.
Can never be close enough.
Yeah, they're gonna see us.
Oh fine, you wanna puss out? Fine.
Pull over. Let me off.
Um, what do you think about coming to new york with me
for a couple days?
I think it would be good for you and I'd like it.
Wow.
Amos!
Oh man.
You in on this?
I'm sorry, chief.
I didn't know it was gonna go this far.
Just tell me which way he went and get on home.
Ssss...
Huh, this day sucks.
Stay here.
Uh.
Stand up.
Argh!
Who are you? What are you doing here?
Vic donowitz, tmi and you must be officer morgan.
I am and you're trespassing.
It's only 'cause I want the first exclusive interview with you
about your relationship with nikki gold.
Nikki who?
Ha ha ha. Nice try.
Look, no seriously, you should cash in.
The press is going to be all over you like a pit bull in heat
when little miss thang's tape hits the internet, you know.
What are you talking about?
Her sex tape. The sex tape.
Who's nikki gold?
Are you serious?
Hey, she's hollywood's soup de jour.
She's the flavor of the month.
She's visual crack for men ages 16 to 25.
Viktor donowitz you're under arrest!
You have the right to remain silent,
though I doubt you will.
And you can call your lawyer from the station.
Chief, what's going on here?
Oh this so-called journalist was staking out your place
for a shot of nikki, I mean a shot at the...
Dang it, bill! I can't explain it all.
I know you two think you got something special
but let me tell you bud,
you're just another notch in her belt.
Tell me about this tape?
Her and trent callender going at it like bunnies.
Hand jobs, blow jobs like a goddamn career fair.
- Oh! - Bill!
I'll forget this if you give me that exclusive.
Let me take him in, I'm not through with him yet.
No! No!
Go back to nikki.
I'll take care of this sack of beans.
I can't believe that douchebag followed me here.
What'd he say to you?
Enough to know
you've made me feel like a complete idiot
the last few days.
Who are you? Really?
My name is nikki gold.
- And I'm an actress. - Obviously.
I didn't start out lying to you.
It's just ...
You're the first person in...
Years that's actually made me feel like a normal person.
Don't call yourself normal.
It's an insult to the rest of us.
I think it's time you left washington.
Fine.
- Hey terri. - Hey bill.
That sandwich you ordered will be ready in a minute.
Thanks.
I want you all to know that my relations with miss gold are over.
So you can stop snickering behind my back.
And acting all strange and go about your normal business.
Thank you.
I think the guys around here are all just jealous.
And as for the ladies,
they just want a piece of what nikki gold got.
Hey you want to sign this for me?
Geez, on crow, are you kidding me me?
Sure, as long as you bring it back autographed.
Knock, knock.
Hey may.
I brought you a sandwich.
Thanks. May, I just ate.
Well you could use a little more meat on your bones.
You know reading that junk
is gonna rot your brain.
So, are you ever going to tell me
or am I going to have to read it
in one of those rags?
Ahh, it's not much of a story, I guess.
I...Told her to leave town.
I didn't want to see her anymore.
Think it's too late to apologize?
We don't have anything in common.
What interested you in her in the first place?
I mean aside from her...
She's a little firecracker, but ...
I don't know... she's ...
I guess she made me feel... Awake.
Oh honey.
You know, if you really feel that way
you are one lucky guy.
And you are way ahead of most folks.
Trent!
Trent, you here?
Ooh!
Nikki baby, welcome back to the big apple.
New hampshire sure was fun, huh?
Can I get a picture?
Why don't you disappear to the bahamas next time?
The sex tape in there nikki?
Did you have fun?
Can you drive, please?
Looking real good, mama, can't wait to see the tape.
I must tell you...
Summer dawn is beautiful film.
You should do smaller, character driven piece again.
Is this a smoking cab?
For you? I make exceptions.
Wish me luck.
Who is it?
This is officer morgan.
Washington police department.
The tape, mr. callender. I'm here to get it and nikki's life back.
I don't have the damn tape. Alright?
Whoa, what are you- what are you doing?
Okay fine. There's another one.
Kids name is daniel blanco.
Where does he live?
I don't know. We're just casual acquaintances.
God, ow.
Okay yeah!
- Call him. - Here.
Washington police department, thanks you for your cooperation.
So, why are you here?
I want to see trent callender earlier.
He said you might know the whereabouts of the nikki gold tape.
Depends on who's asking?
I am.
I'm defending her honor.
Fortunately, unless you are also very rich,
it's out of your hands.
Tonight at midnight 1.6 million dollars is wired into my bank account.
And I upload that file to tmi's server.
You know selling that tape isn't going to get trent callender back.
I don't care about trent.
Why do you think I started sleeping with him in the first place?
Don't, don't do this.
What if it was your mom or your sister?
Those are both really gross images I do not want in my head right now.
So uh, you have to leave.
Gum?
Thanks .
It was great meeting you.
Feel free to call me next time you're in town.
Daniel get back in here!
Coming dad.
Hi...
Get back her with that!
My trust fund won't last forever, you know. Oh shit!
I am just in my hotel room. Missing you, uh...
Don't do anything stupid while you're away because then you'll never see these.
Now chick-a-bow-wow...
Frick!
Hey guys. I'm a, I'm a cop too.
- Get out of the car. - Okay I'm getting out.
I got a gun, so...
You know it's only identity. It's a re-imagining of, of that world.
I just want them to like it.
Honey, honey, they are gonna like it.
You're gonna be fine.
Hey, nobody ever writes anything bad at a premiere.
It's like a wedding.
You know, everybody's happy.
... mountain man was arrested in new york earlier today.
This new hampshire numb nut thought the best way to break the law
was to rear end an nypd...
Can you turn this up, how do you turn this up?
There he is.
He looks like a confused park ranger.
It's off to the big house for the grizzly adams guy. Here he is...
Well I'll be.
- That's my boy. - That's right.
Oh he's so handsome.
Well of course.
Amos, shut off the tv.
Finish mopping up that floor.
That's what I'm doing, terry.
Well I want to get out of here tonight.
Yeah, you're always riding my ass.
I'm gonna shove that mop up your ass if you don't get moving.
Check the fryer too.
Why don't you fry this?
The much-hyped sex tape was on his person.
Leaving us to believe the ...
Can you turn around please?
What are you talking about?
What do you mean, turn around?
No, no, no, no.
No, nikki, I am not going to let you sabotage the biggest night of your life.
Please. This is not the time to pull your impetuous child routine.
Here! Just take a drink.
A drink? I'm taking a break, you hag.
What did you just call me?
You ungrateful...
Go ahead. Say something, make me fire you.
You have none of the power in this relationship.
Miss, what will it be?
Just keep going.
morgan, you're coming with me.
step away from the door.
There was a hat with this.
Excuse me!
There's a hat.
You mean this one?
Yeah, that's...
That's the one.
I would have been here sooner,
but I figured I owed you at least one night in jail.
After all you gave me.
You look ...
...beautiful.
This old thing?
Uh, I don't know. I mean everyone said they loved it.
But I'm used to people lying to my face, so...
That makes two of us.
You're still mad.
Less.
I'll take that.
Sorry, they followed me.
Officer morgan!
Welcome to town.
I assume you're here because you want to accept my offer.
My boss will give you 200 grand for the story.
You can't ignore me.
You'll never lose me, kid.
I'm going to sue you and everyone in that damned town.